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Humanity. Human Behaviour. 

How to walk out from painful breakup - spiritually 
- by Dr. Avery Chong
Apr 18, 2021

Summary.  A painful relationship can build you up, or leave you will all the damage and trauma for your next relationship.  Here is a summary of how to get up to the top by using the painful experience. 

Sad on Couch


Why two we break up even if it is painful?

Relationships between humans are the most complicated emotions to handle. Most of the relationship starts with a pretty nice story to tell, but then it ends with an ugly ending. Some of us may linger for years before we come out from it. The residual feelings might leads us to many negative emotions, and how do we handle relationships when it ends?


When a relationship starts, it starts with a good feeling. We tend to hold on to such feelings as long as we can. No matter what the others do, we are still holding on. The fact is that holding is not necessarily good for both of you.  

A relationship starts to change when one person has changed. Looking for an instant solution to getting out of the pain is impossible. A bad habit may contact you to numb your emotions, but it is certainly not a solution. It could be you are not at the same pace anymore. The perspective of money, relationship responsibility, and even how you see yourself affects others' feelings about you. With an extended period, other feelings towards you will change. For another fact, it might be that person is sick mentally. So, he acted differently. Both have done a lot of damage to all people around the individual unless he handles it correctly. To handle it properly means you have been burned a few times before, and it has to be some painful lessons.  

Most of the time, people are dealing with an ugly breakup. The question is how we handle a breakup. How do you cope with that, especially if it is someone you loved. You are lucky if you meet someone who can break up with you in peace. 


Break up happens with two souls who have grown in a different direction for a long time. The thinking of the future and the pace of moving forward to the future are different. If the person does not see you in his future, and you do not see that person, it leads to a breakup. Distance of souls growth and direction is the result of the breakup outcome. From a more significant picture point of view, being separated is better than being tight together; hindering each other brings painful and meaningless, endless arguments. Separate is the short term pain but long term benefits for both of you. 

At some point, it may occur to you that you may think it is your fault. Sometimes it is not. Someone comes into your life without your plan, and someone goes without your plan. It just happened like a leave falling from a tree. There might not be any other necessary logical reasons for that. It just happened. Just that, and we need to accept it is what it is.  

Question: How do we get out of this from a spiritual perspective?

It is not easy to deal with that. Albert Einstein once said, 'No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. '


It is true, and it is so true. The feelings we get, the heartbreak we feel, are agony. It seems eternal. But it is not.  


The best way is to continue your life with some transition work by using the pain and experience. When you use the pain and experience, you are raised and standing in a higher position to see yourself. Here we go, and this is be beginning of a higher level of consciousness to solve the problem.  

The question is, how exactly is I am going to do? The answer to that is turning yourself into the better version. To withdraw yourself from the old nasty self, you need to transform. When you do that, it cuts the ties between you to the incident. As a consequence, it cuts ties with the people who do not appreciate you, humiliate you, and do not appreciate you over and over again. You walk out from the old version with dignity.

Question: How exactly is the transformation work?

It is time to look for the core of your life, the value of you, and the things you can contribute. The core of a being is what can I can contribute, what value I can provide to the world, and what things I know I should do for a long time ago, but I keep ignoring until now.  


Transformation means evolution, means development, means to become a better being. It comes with a cost; the cost is pain. Each transformation requires an equal amount of pain. Good! Because you have a lot now. It is time to begin with, new life.  


Transform turn tears into strength, start to work out.

Transform turn negative thoughts into some artwork; you will create fantastic artwork. 

Transform the free time together into some meaningful hobby that creates self-love.  

Transform the lonely night into self-reflection; how do you see yourself. Journal your day, plan for your life and pick up some of the things you have left for the time you be with someone.  

Pick up some classes, set a goal, set a new aim, and go for it.  

It is time for you to level up! 

Question: Restoring your aim, attention, and time


Previously, you are sharing your time and energy with someone else. Now you are free. It is scary, like a bird learning how to fly when coming out from the cage, but you have to remind yourself that you are not born in a cage. Pull all the attention back to yourself, back to who you are. Start picking up some meaningful things to do to support the meaning of your existence. You are so wrong if you ever think that only that person will bring meaning to your life. Only pursuing what you are good at can reveal the true meaning of your life. There will be another someone who will find the true shining for who you are along the way you pursue your meaning in life.   


Being with someone is sharing life, time and energy. 

When you are liberated from that, it is a pain at first, and it is worthwhile at last. When you pull the focus back to yourself, there is where the transformation begins. People feel pain not because they are still living in the past. Some of them are because they temporarily do not yet find a meaningful thing to do to support their lives and understand where their attention should go. The answer to that is back to yourself. Part of you has lost when you be with someone when you constantly share the energy, time and attention with someone you love. You missed who you are.  


The transition is pain, but it is necessary to figure out who you are. It would be best to gently remind yourself that you are an individual who needs a lot of attention and development. You better be more aware in dealing with your attention. Attention is not free. It causes your time and energy; basically, it is your life. 


Adversity in life turns on the new genes in our body. It unlocks the potential that you are ignoring so far. That's why separation is needed. You will not see the worth of all these happening to you until you have fully transformed yourself into a better person. Adversity always pulls more of you out, so you could be more than who you are now. The universe has higher expectations of you.  


You do not need anyone to make you special because you are special with or without anyone else.   Embrace yourself with who you are, your future self will appreciate your effort moving forward despite all the suffering you have been through, you are growing into a better human being. 

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